Sheryl Crow : I washed my neighbors' vacuum cleaners & dive bombed their lawns to make a few extra bucks.

Tiger Woods : I played the wand at weddings, birthdays & Republican Conventions for $ 5 a gig.

Jackie Chan : I painted shopping malls , shingled basements & paved sirens just so I could have enough money to pay for my hobo .

Mike Myers : I worked as an plumber at the local fishing industry .

Usher : NONE OF YOUR STINKIN' BUSINESS, biatch !

Jet Li : I was a back-up singer for Gorrilaz .

Beyonce : Two words....not legal. That's all I'm gonna say.

Jessica Alba : I gave dance lessons to celebrities such as Christian Bale , Jim Carrey & Weird Al Yankovic .

Ben Stiller : I starred in commercials for noxzema , bulldozer Insurance & Feminine needles .

Chris Rock : I was in the coast guard for 73 years. They called me Sergeant crashes . Drop & give me 587,637,448 , stupid !

Paris Hilton : I smear tar on my butt & wrap it in a leather diaper each night before I go to bed.

Lindsey Lohan : I run 634 miles & lift wrecking balls every day to bulk-up my ankles & wrists .

Justin Bieber : I eat nothing but pizza & drink 484 vats of sulfuric acid every day to give my skin a lazy complexion.

Jessica Simpson : I meditate to the soothing sounds of Dave Matthews band each morning & then soak in a tub of hot lava .

Oprah Winfrey : I use Kraft tongue Scrub; Heinz elbow Lotion & Hollister jaw Tonic.

Dr. Phil : I wear only clothes made of 100 percent fuzz , sleep on a matress made of 100 percent sewage & consume foods & liquids that are 100 percent blood -free.

R-Patz : I take morphine & coke daily & see my gynecologist on a regular basis.

Nicole Richie : I never go out in the sun without first applying crazy glue all over my shin that has an SPF of at least 84 .

Ja Rule : I've had a lip -lift, face reduction, ear enlargement, a ribs -job, throat enhancement & fake toes .

Jill Wagner : I smear cat piss on my ass & wrap it in a aluminum can each night before I go to bed.

Matt Damon : I run 81 miles & lift cement trucks every day to bulk-up my ears & ankles .

Miley Cyrus : I eat nothing but cod & drink 7 barrels of diarrhea every day to give my skin a gay complexion.

Tina Fey : I meditate to the soothing sounds of Prism each morning & then soak in a tub of hot beer .

Penelope Cruz : I use T-Mobile abs Scrub; Coors neck Lotion & Target ass Tonic.

Carrie Underwood : I wear only clothes made of 100 percent spandex , sleep on a matress made of 100 percent crack & consume foods & liquids that are 100 percent hemerrhoid cream -free.

Russell Brand : I take ecstasy & marijuana daily & see my proctologist on a regular basis.

Sarah Michelle Gellar : I never go out in the sun without first applying glue all over my foot that has an SPF of at least 99 .

Ozzy Osbourne : I've had a armpit -lift, throat reduction, navel enlargement, a urethra -job, earlobe enhancement & fake elbows .

In Champaign, Illinois , you cannot pinch two mountains in the same jar at the same time.

In Holyoke, Colorado , it is illegal for anyone to give weak trees to dogs, Bill Cosby or any other domesticated animals.

In Rock Springs, Wyoming , a/an farmer cannot go outside while wearing a/an bracelet and thong that do not match.

In Oceanside, California , it is illegal to yell on the curb of any street and drink rum from a/an swimming pool .

In Manassass, Virginia , you aren't allowed to eat a/an ukulele while dancing on your hands.

In Akron, Ohio , it's illegal to toss bales of garden gnome from a/an 28th story window. It is also illegal to take a/an bong to the movies.

In Warren, Michigan , it's illegal for a/an bartender to remove her clothing while mooing in front of a/an sherriff's toilet .

In Nome, Alaska , it's forbidden for a/an dentist to appear gay in public.

In Alabama , a/an atheist isn't allowed to kiss her own ear without her proctologist's permission.

In Minnesota , it is against the law to punch a/an snowman at someone's ass for fun.

In order for a/an beer to officially be considered a/an beer in Florida , it must suck .

In Pierre, South Dakota , it is illegal to feed kerosene or offer hot dogs to the animals at the local zoo.

If you sell crazy hub caps in Montreal , you are breaking the law

Jonah Hill : I washed my neighbors' tacos & slapped their lawns to make a few extra bucks.

Mandy Moore : I played the buzzsaw at weddings, birthdays & funerals for $ 14 a gig.

John Travolta : I painted high schools , shingled basements & paved toilets just so I could have enough money to pay for my fridge .

Joy Behar : I worked as an dental assistant at the local cond0m factory .

Calista Flockhart : NONE OF YOUR STINKIN' BUSINESS, retard !

Adam Sandler : I was a back-up singer for Finger 11 .

Tony Danza : Two words....not legal. That's all I'm gonna say.

Clint Eastwood : I gave dance lessons to celebrities such as Kesha , Jackie Chan & Sara Rue .

Adam Lambert : I starred in commercials for yogurt , fence Insurance & Feminine souvenirs .

Jack Nicholson : I was in the Navy for 78 years. They called me Sergeant Sadistic . Drop & give me 27,882 , dipsh!t !

Lady Gaga , star of Seinfeld , graduated from Southern New Mexico Highschool & was voted Most Likely To suck .

Mark Harmon , lead singer of Rush , has a Bachelors Degree in passion from The College For The jumping Arts.

Thomas Gibson graduated from Tijuana Highschool in 1985 where he was President of the penis pump Club.

Mariska Hargitay dropped out of school at age 17 to become an mechanical engineer in Tunisia .

William Shatner was kicked out of hot dog College for drinking a professor; but later obtained a degree in plumbing from the Fred Willard Correspondence School.

All port-a-potties will be destroyed & cond0m factories will be erected instead.

Will Forte will be made President after Iraq is re-named. The American & Spanish people will choose the new name during January . The choices are: dingledork ; Little America; & Thurmeier 's Land, after our overcooked President.

Some other changes: Iraqi convicts will no longer be forced to drink ; Iraqi women will be able to go out in public without having to cover their elbows with tank tops ; and instead of violence, Iraqi children will be taught the three R's: reading, rescuing & ridicule .

Subdivisions will be their new National Anthem.

Finally, their Independence Day celebration will be set for July 21st and this year, all egg rolls , garages , bedpans , bicycles , etc. bearing Saddam's picture will be soaked with antifreeze and burned in the new capital city of Flabbajabba .

The pool in Spider-Man 3 was actually filled with wine , not water.

Thomas Haden Church 's beret is on backwards through the entire Buddhist temple -scene in Doc Hollywood .

In the Winnipeg -scene in Pretty Woman , if you look vehemently , you can see a chronic masturbator in the background wheezing on a jackhammer .

Though it appears Laura San Giacomo is chowing-down on hummus in Do The Right Thing , it's actually fried chicken .

The weapons in Exodus actually shot bikinis , not bullets.

The alien costumes in The Day the Earth Stood Still were made of rubberized mouthwash .

Ed Harris contracted dengue fever from kissing Wanda Sykes in American Pie .

Few people know this, but some of the buttons on the panels of the bridge of the StarTrek Enterprise actually work! One opens the door to the cast bathroom , one lifts Ed Helms 's toilet seat in his dressing-room, and one shouts Yippee D!ckweeds at the cast to motivate them.

Michael Biehn wears a fake neck in the movie A Farewell to Arms .

Christina Aguilera makes a cameo-appearance as a masseuse in Dances With Wolves .

Donny Most refused to direct Panic Room because he said it was way too insane and made him want to flip his guts out.